Broken to Blessed
Welcome to Broken to Blessed, the podcast dedicated to empowering women survivors of childhood sexual abuse on their journey from brokenness to healing and transformation. I'm your host, Michelle Hall, a certified Christian Life Coach and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Join us as we explore powerful insights, personal stories, and practical tools to support survivors on their path to reclaiming their lives and discovering their inherent strength.
Broken to Blessed
Stepping Stones to Recovery: Juanita Gaynor's Narrative of Resilience and Triumph
What if you could transform your deepest pains into your greatest strengths? In our latest episode, we're joined by the incredible Juanita Gaynor, a success mindset coach, entrepreneur, and survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Juanita courageously shares her harrowing journey, which began at only five years of age. She unveils her path to recovery, illustrating the power of resilience, healing, and the human spirit.
We explore the shadows of Juanita's past, including her struggle with abuse right within the confines of her church, setting a chilling example of betrayal. The conversation then shifts as we traverse her arduous journey towards healing, guided by therapy and the presence of safe relationships. Juanita narrates how she battled PTSD, clinical depression, generalized anxiety, and separation anxiety, converting them into stepping stones towards her recovery. We delve into her first relationship post-recovery, an oasis of understanding and empathy, and her victorious journey towards establishing her successful business.
Towards the end, we tackle the often-ignored stigma around abuse. We echo Juanita's insights on the importance of breaking societal norms that often muzzle victims and discuss the need to safeguard our children better. We discuss the power of vocalizing our experiences and transforming the healing journey into a launchpad for transformation and growth. Don't miss out on this powerful episode featuring the inspiring Juanita Gaynor, as she helps us understand the strength that lies in resilience and the beauty that emerges from healing.
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Journey to Freedom Questionnaire
Imagine being the five-year-old daughter of a drug-addicted mother and when she didn't have the money to pay for her drugs, you became the currency for her fix. That is how my guest today was introduced to childhood sexual abuse. Juanita Gaynor is my special guest and this is just a tip of the iceberg for her story. Tune in today to hear the remarkable story of all that she endured but, more importantly, how she came to her healing journey. This is Broken to Bless, a podcast for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I am your host, michelle Hall. I am a certified Kristen Life Coach and I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and for many years I felt broken because of that experience. But thank God for his blessings, he pulled me out of brokenness and into blessings Hence the name of the podcast, and I want the same for you. Healing is possible if you're willing to do the work. Let's get started.
Michelle Hall:Hello, esteemed ones, my special guest today is Juanita Gaynor. She is a success mindset coach and empowerment speaker. She is a successful entrepreneur and bestselling author who has founded and currently operate five companies, including eABJ Consulting and Event Management, elite Financial Management, restored to Life Ministries, stella Productions LLC and Juanita E Gaynor LLC. She has an academic background in business administration and accounting that has provided her with the skills and knowledge necessary to build thriving businesses and, in addition to her professional achievements, she is a multi-talented creative with a passion for music and cooking. She is also the host and producer of the Moving Past you radio show and the co-author of four inspiring books. Let's welcome to the show, juanita Gaynor. Juanita, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so we're going to talk today about your story and your experience with childhood sexual abuse, so I'd like to get started by just asking you to you know, tell my listeners about your childhood and you know what was going on as far as what was going on in the household and how. You know how you grew up.
Juanita Gaynor:My mother was a heroin addict. My parents did not live together. They were not together. My dad did try to actively be involved as much as he possibly could, or as much as the courts would allow him to. He had tried to get custody several times. He was denied. Even when my grandmother went to court with him, you know, begging them to give him custody, they were not trying to do that. And so with that being with my mom, she had her own demons. So we're going from house to house, place to place, and I remember one evening, I guess, she was trying to buy her drugs and she did not have any money, and that day I became that currency.
Michelle Hall:Oh no. Yes, and I was five At five, I was five Wow.
Juanita Gaynor:And you, you know you would have some that just wasn't down with that they would, they didn't care, they wasn't going to do it, they didn't care that others that didn't care, they, they were going to get whatever you know means necessary and then being abused by people you were living with because you needed a place to sleep and so, and also I was very protective of my younger brother.
Michelle Hall:Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:And so the you know then physically being abused by mom. You know she would come down off those highs and if she didn't have any drugs or anything like that, those meetings were brutal. And I absolutely remember the last meeting and which was the last time I saw her alive. She was coming down off of a high and she I mean I had welts everywhere and I remember we were, we slept in the same room. I remember we had a partition and I remember putting my brother to bed and I told him I said, the only time you come from behind this partition is unless I get you or the police comes and get you.
Juanita Gaynor:And I sat on my mother's chest with her machete to her throat, waiting for her to wake up. And then I I God was in that Because he didn't allow me to kill her, because I tried, I tried, I don't, I could do this. I understand now but I'm like, why is this knife not cutting? I know it's supposed to cut. And I remember saying to us like you, put your hands on us again, I'm going to kill you. And that was the last time I saw her. But that wasn't the last time of my abuse. So we she dropped us off at a friend's. Now no abuse happened with a friend, but at the age of seven you know she lived in a rooming house and that you know for those who don't know rooming houses back in the day you know different women, you know it was how it was.
Michelle Hall:Yeah.
Juanita Gaynor:But at the age of seven, the knowledge I have, I'm telling these women how to make more money, because I'm telling them what to do, how to whatever. But I'm seven, wow, and they did. They protected me. They didn't let nobody look at me, they didn't let nobody touch me. They really protected me. And then, when my grandmother and my aunt found us, they took us to Boston.
Michelle Hall:Let me jump in real quick. So at the time that you had the machete to your mother's neck, how old were you then?
Juanita Gaynor:I was seven.
Michelle Hall:Seven.
Juanita Gaynor:I was seven.
Michelle Hall:Wow Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:Seven years old. I'm just, I was tired. Mm hmm, you know the beatings. You know that beating it was you get your hand slammed in the doors or she was putting your hands over the stove. You know there was no food half the time. You just you get tired. Yeah, and it was just like you know. And social services I understood that they were always overwhelmed and I know people would ask you know what about social services? This was one of the times I wish they intervened.
Michelle Hall:Yeah, yeah, of course. So what at that time, at that age, do you remember other than if you put your hands on me, I'll kill you? Do you? Do you know what, what, what else was going through your mind? I mean, what, what were you feeling like? How, how, how does a seven year old put a machete to her mother's throat?
Juanita Gaynor:I was absolutely numb, absolutely no, like you're talking. At this point I'll be honest. Like you get cigarettes like a seven, I'm smoking cigarettes, I'm drinking, you know you do stuff to numb the pain and at this point you just you don't care, like the only person that I cared about was to make sure that my brother was okay. Okay, so it was just like I did. I bear a lot of the of the abuse, absolutely. But then you just get to a point where you I think there was a blackout point, because there is parts that of that set, you know time period that, no matter what they do, I cannot remember and I feel that that memory has been seared for my protection, absolutely, because you know I just can't. But you just get tired, your spirit gets tired.
Juanita Gaynor:And understanding now what I understand regarding my call, my grouting, my purpose. It was always an attack, but at the age of seven, you don't care what it is, you want a bed to sleep in, you want food to eat, you know, you want to not have people bother you. Now here's the thing. I didn't understand it. It was, it wasn't supposed to happen. I'm just like well, can I just have one night where it doesn't. This is where my mind is. I'm being abused at a consistent rate, like when I used to go over my grandmother's house and when nothing, nobody, would bother me. I would think they were weird.
Juanita Gaynor:It was that much, huh, yeah, like okay, y'all are weird, y'all don't that, don't happen.
Michelle Hall:Oh, okay, okay so I, so I can better understand now where your head was.
Juanita Gaynor:So you get tired. You get tired of being hungry, you get tired of not, you know, knowing where the next meal is going to come, and you get tired of going from house to house and you know having to let people just be nasty to you because you need a place to lay your head, you know. So it's just like. At that point it was like if you're not here, maybe we'll be some place where that'll happen, Not knowing what that would be. Just like. If you're not here, you're the reason why we can't be someplace stable. So if we take you out the picture, maybe right, and that's really where my mindset was.
Michelle Hall:Okay, okay, so you went to live with your grandmother.
Juanita Gaynor:My grandmother, my aunt.
Michelle Hall:Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:We lived. We was at her friend for a while and I guess what happened was the school was trying to reach my grandmother and nobody knew the school was like we haven't seen them in months. This was beyond with it. As an asthmatic child I missed a lot of school, but this was beyond, you know, the normal, like they hadn't seen us in months and months. And just so happens, her friend who's how she had dropped us off was in the grocery store and the teacher recognized her and was like aren't you so and so's friend? And she's like, yeah, she's like where are they? Where are the kids? We've been looking for them for months. We haven't been able to reach out. And she told, you know, she told them I got the kids, I've had them. I don't know the grandmother's number, I don't know the aunt's number, you know, but they're good, you know, they're okay.
Juanita Gaynor:And I think the next day my aunt lived in Boston. She drove from Boston Affiliate and the next day they was at the door. I remember her little brown Buick, like it was yesterday. I knew that car, we. I was on the top floor of the thing and I remember looking out the window and I saw that car pull up and I don't. I don't even remember how I got downstairs, I'm gonna be honest with you, but I knew that, buick, and it was just okay, we're gonna go. And I think about a month later we was gone, they packed, she packed us up, we was in Boston and it was still a rough go for you know, for me there was a respite period where nobody, you know, was bothering me or anything like that. They were very hyper vigilant of protecting me or keeping you know, I had your protection around me, but it was just a matter of now.
Juanita Gaynor:It's like not eating, or I think I think I was eight, going on nine, so it was a year, that of 83. And I remember I would tell somebody I was like I was almost nine years old before I had my own bed to sleep in. Wow, like I didn't know what it was to have my own bed, nevertheless bedroom like my own bed, that was mine, that I had the responsibility of making up or doing whatever you know, or what it was like to actually consistently have food. You know, the therapist used to tell them leave the food on the table, because I wouldn't eat, because my thing is as long as my brother ate, because we didn't know when when we would eat. So when we had food I would always make sure he had, and they, you know, as I got older.
Juanita Gaynor:When they told me later they said we were told just to leave it on the table so that you would know that it wasn't going anywhere. So you would be comfortable enough to go ahead and eat it, knowing that there would be more. You wouldn't have to worry about if nothing wasn't going to be there, right, Wow, that had to be.
Michelle Hall:That had to be. You know, for that not to be the norm, to not have food on a daily basis I mean those you know. Having a bed and meals daily, you know, are the bare necessities of life and having that fear of not having food I can't imagine what that feels like. That is something that I have never experienced. And having to deal with and navigate through these things at such a young age and not only for yourself but for your brother as well sounds like you were very, very, very protective of him, making sure he had what he needed and that he was taken care of, and I'm sure he is most grateful for that. May not have understood it back then, but I'm sure he is most grateful for that. So what happened later on, while you were living with your grandmother?
Juanita Gaynor:So my grandmother? It was 86,. Three years later, my aunt dies, and that is when things start back. Crazy. So what was it? I was like 12. So now you have the people from the church supposed to be helping you.
Michelle Hall:Okay, that's typically a good thing.
Juanita Gaynor:It typically is a good thing, but when we realize how does most of my an old mother used to say women or girls are not safe in a house full of men.
Michelle Hall:Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:And so when, when you have men who are positioning themselves to be quote unquote father figures to, you know now, my grandmother was in her, her 70s, think about this. She was in her 70s and I was like 12. And my brother was probably like there's a four year age difference, so he's like seven, eight, you know. So we're little kids. So another family member, of course, had to take, you know, have to have the guardianship and she had, you know, physical custody, you know things, whatever. So she was dependent on help, like she couldn't go to all the things she couldn't do go do laundry, like that. She couldn't do grocery shopping or get out and pay all the bills because, you know, you had to go pay bills.
Juanita Gaynor:Back then you, there was nothing online or whatever. You know you had to go. There was no such thing as direct deposit. Your check came in the mail, you had to go cash it and then you had to go take care of stuff and things like that. So she was dependent, like when my aunt died who drove, that all went. So you don't, you know, look at those things. So you, they and they didn't start immediately, you know, make sure she was good or whatever, and then, ever so often, you know, try to feel up on you.
Juanita Gaynor:You know these are the people, these are the men from the church that was us, that were help, that were helping help them and then you start hearing the oh, oh she's fast and oh she's, you know we try to, you know got to come in and help them or whatever. And I'm like I'm not fast, I'm not even doing whatever. I'm like what are you talking about? And then it gets to a point where they'll help.
Juanita Gaynor:And then what happened was there was an incident where my grandmother entrusted some money for bills to be paid and instead of paying the bills, we came home and we had no electricity, we had no water, and it was like so I'll go now we've given you the money. But the thing was is like oh, in order for me to go ahead and do what I said I was going to do, basically what you're telling me, oh well, we need to do this. Why need to be able to do this? Right? And that's how that starts, because then at this point, like you don't have no electricity, there's no water, you know stuff that you need to function, Right, of course, and that's how it starts. That's how it started.
Michelle Hall:So they were bartering per say. They were in their minds yeah, in their mind they were wanting something from you in order for them to help you and your grandmother and your family. They wouldn't. They wouldn't do what they said they were going to do until they could do what they wanted to do with you. Right, Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:And the thing is is like with the money you already give it.
Michelle Hall:Right, you have already given them the money to pay the bills and they don't pay the bill until they can have their way with you, right?
Juanita Gaynor:And so what begins to happen? And it happened consistently and it was just like okay, then you get propositioned by others because now they done put it out there that you're fast, mm hmm, okay, and so you know, the little boys are proposition. You was like, oh, I heard you like to do this and you like to do that. And you're like, who told you this? Mm hmm, but this is the conversation that they be having, and they have these conversations so that you can never come forward and say anything, because now nobody believes you, because they've already destroyed your reputation before anything began. Now, who was saying you were fast? Who? Oh, the one of the ministers, because these are ministers, deacons, trustees.
Michelle Hall:These are the men in the church that were helping Mm. Hmm, helping.
Juanita Gaynor:Yep, so they were the only one.
Michelle Hall:Oh wow. So they were saying these things about you to others in the church. That ruined your reputation.
Juanita Gaynor:Yeah, they'll do that. And then I think what also to, and what was happening, is that a lot of the mothers, a lot of the old mothers, will be like, oh, stay away from so, and so what? No, they would. There was certain ones that be like, don't, even don't. If they looked at you, they would be like you better stop looking at that girl.
Michelle Hall:So here, in essence, some of these mothers of the church knew what were, knew what was going on with these men of the church. They knew and they were, I guess, consider themselves warning Some of the young girls to stay away from certain men in the church that they knew were involved in this type of activity. Mm hmm, but they didn't do it. They supposedly warned, but they didn't do anything and they continued to go and sit under these people in in ministry, yep, okay.
Juanita Gaynor:So I was about 16. And at that point I was out there, like I was out, you know, party and doing all sorts of stuff Wasn't promiscuous, like that, just wasn't my thing. What? What taught me? It taught me that sex was a means to an end, it wasn't something for enjoyment. So therefore, if there wasn't a financial or something that was supposed to be gained to it, I didn't have the interest in it. So I wasn't out there, just, you know, having sex or anything like that, like I was really turned off by it. So I was about 16. And I was just tired and I'm like you know what, you're gonna leave me alone and I just said I'll tell your wife.
Michelle Hall:Why Okay?
Juanita Gaynor:Oh yeah, they got wives, children, like we're I'm, I'm the choir director, you know, and so I just I'll tell your wife.
Juanita Gaynor:And what happened after that that it's me, because I meant it, because I'm like at that point I got pictures. I'm like, oh, they don't have to believe me, but I got pictures where he was at the club last night or the other night before. Because at that point I was like, okay, if they're not going to believe me or if they're not going to believe any of the other girls, because it was two other girls that we were like we got this guy's to stop, we started taking pictures. We started like places where they were, we you know, we were one girl started recording conversations and it was just like look on your wife, because they didn't care if they went to the pastor, because they, the pastor wasn't gonna sit them down, they were gonna sit the girls down because we were quote unquote tempting them or we were causing them to send. It was our fault. So we knew that going to the higher ups wasn't going to do anything about it.
Michelle Hall:Okay.
Juanita Gaynor:We were going to go where their pockets were going to hurt, telling their wives At this point, and our feeling was is that we could tell your wife? We already knew, your wife probably knew, but she's going to do something to be angry about it, because now it's out there and now she's embarrassed, and now the kids know, you know, and now you don't look like the pillar or the deaconess, or you know the other trust, the trustee, or you know you don't look like the assistant pastors wife that you know you're supposed to be. You don't have the image. So we already knew at that point, just from observing, like we'll tell your wife. And it for us is slowly it ended. We are not sure about others because at that point so many just left, you know, and what it did for me is like I just completely shut down.
Juanita Gaynor:I used to just question God about, like, what do I do? Like, why did you have me go through this? Like I understood that I had a purpose, but it was just like what was, what was the purpose of this right? And so after high school, two years later, graduated high school and my biological mother dies, like less than six months after I graduated high school, and that is when I went on what I call this death spiral, because now I wanted to know. I was saying to myself I deserve to know why you did this to me. Yeah, and I deserve answers. I felt robbed. I felt like you. You shouldn't even be allowed to leave this earth without telling me what's going on and I was doing anything I was big and bad enough to do. I would put myself in situations of praying that somebody would put me out of my misery because I wasn't going to do it myself.
Juanita Gaynor:Okay it was just like I don't want. I didn't want my grandmother or my brother to have that. I'm like. So if someone else did it it would hurt, but it would be more palatable than if I did it. And they still covered me and it was like sometimes I just didn't understand. I'm like why?
Michelle Hall:And then you find your way back from that.
Juanita Gaynor:It was what I did was I ended up. I stuffed a lot of emotion because the following year, the following year, my no the year before my grandmother died and I was already emotionally broken at that point. But she was 92 years old and she was holding on for dear life and I was just like, and I know why she was holding on. She knew, and I just thought I was going to be fine, even though I wasn't, but I had to be fine in the moment for that. So the following year when my mother died they died a year apart. When my mother died, it was, it was game set point and I kind of just walked in this maze of okay, I started the event management company, I kind of focused my attention on other things so that I didn't have to feel and even when I got married I was still numb Like I hadn't talked about it, hadn't gone through any type of therapy or anything like that, and I thought I was good because I had stuffed it down. I had a couple of successful businesses, I had moved and you know things like that.
Juanita Gaynor:Then the divorce happened in 2003 and I moved back to Philly and that is when I began to realize that there was something going on, but I wasn't ready to deal with it because then I still got family and they need help and I got to make sure I'm bringing this money in and trying to help the family and trying to help myself. Then they got worse when there were certain streets I wouldn't drive down. I remember we had to go for the choir had to sing somewhere, and I remember my godmother having to talk me off of a ledge and she was like you, the churches on that street, maybe she's like you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to drive down because none of us drive, none of us have a driver's license. You're the only one that can be. We're here, like I literally was at the thing and I couldn't do it and I don't know what she prayed, I don't know what she did. We got. I don't remember a lot of that portion. I know we got down there, I know we I don't. I know we sang and I know I got back home and I knew I had to do something, but it was just like I wasn't in a safe space and then I was off the opportunity to move to Atlanta and I did and I took it up on it and started kind of you know, was able to talk about it. I think that was the first thing. I was like I was able to say something not a lot about it before completely breaking down. And I remember it was in I was about seven or eight years in and I was preparing for my first, my second speaking engagement about this.
Juanita Gaynor:The first one was a one of the ministers who who had called my brother in Christ and he was always wondering why did I leave so abruptly, like why did I leave the church? And so he had a blog, talk radio you know we've dating ourselves with that and he he used to call it unspeakable truths and it was church trauma and I'd be, and I had that conversation for the first time. He called me in tears. He was like why didn't you say something? I was like who would have believed me? He was like for years, he says, I've been trying to find proof. He's like I always suspected them and I never told him who. He told me I never confirmed it Cause that God that didn't leave me that way. I never confirmed the names, but he was able to give me the names. He says I never could have proof. Anytime I would say something. I was told that I was crazy and I said he says, well, we should go and whatever I said. Now you can do that, but that's not how God has directed me. And again I wasn't fully healed, like I was just dipping the thing.
Juanita Gaynor:So second speaking age was called the purple type monologues. She had heard I didn't know they were connected and she had heard the show and she reached out to me on Facebook and was like I would love for you to be a part of the event. She says it's in person, live before people. I'm thinking, okay, I got this, you know, because again I've stuffed it down. And when I think about the second rehearsal I realized that I was not good, I was not and I just I didn't know what to do about it.
Juanita Gaynor:I went to work Now, where I was living, it was kind of contentious, it wasn't a great thing. So, coming to work, there was a big argument that day and I remember getting to work and I get into my office and I have a complete breakdown and they were worried because they had never seen me cry, never seen me cry. They wouldn't look that what it looked like. And my coworker, she says I need you to call somebody. She says, if you don't do it for yourself, she says do it for Bella, which was her little, her daughter, which I adored and loved so much. And she says she needs you to be okay. And I wasn't at that point. It wasn't because I needed it, it was because I love that little girl so much and I know she looked up to me. So I was like okay, I will make this call.
Juanita Gaynor:And I remember making the call, going to the appointment. That lady was like do you have insurance? And I was like, yeah, this was the purpose, yeah, this was the life coach, because you know, every job has what they call EAP. Yes, yes, you call them and you're talking to them. And I get there and I'm telling her you know, I guess they're doing an intake. She's like do you have insurance? I was like, yeah, she was like I need you to get them on the phone. Now she says I need you to see a psychotherapist, like yesterday. So we couldn't get through, we couldn't make the appointment. She was the look in her eyes. I knew that there was something wrong. I said, listen, I promise we was in a building that the cell service was really bad. I said, listen, I promise I will go and make this appointment. And whatever I did make the appointment went through the whole intake process and my therapist was in tears. She says I have never had someone this bad off.
Juanita Gaynor:I was diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, generalized anxiety, separation, anxiety. She's just like, okay, how are you functioning Right? But I wasn't. I was like can you just give me some pills and call it a day? Psychiatrists comes in and is like are you going to tell me they've been giving you prescription for these and you ain't never seen one of us? I'm like, no, they used to just write a prescription. He says I'm not doing that. He says you need help. He said something to me that for the first time I knew I was safe. He says it's okay that you're not okay. He says you're so far down the rabbit hole you don't even realize how far you are. He says I want you to talk this through. He says but if we can't get you off this ledge, then I'll prescribe something. That is where the talking began.
Juanita Gaynor:They had me coming in three times a week for the first four months I would just be talking and working through emotions. I remember that following year there was so much death in the family and a lot of things. I remember it felt weird to really feel, so I would call the therapist and she said it's okay for you to feel that way. She says if you didn't feel it, I would worry. She says it's going to feel weird for a while.
Juanita Gaynor:She says because you've never been allowed to feel your emotions, you've never been allowed to harness them. You've always had to operate as a robot. You've always had to operate and recovery a shelter mode. You've never been able to feel the emotion. She's like they're going to feel weird. I don't want to be an adult, no more, I don't like this. It's hard, right, I'm like I don't like this, but I remember the first time that I had a good cry and it felt good. It was like things were released and it didn't feel weird to me. I didn't feel guilty about doing it. I remember the first time I told somebody no and didn't care if they didn't like it or didn't feel guilty for saying it. I was just like, oh, that's what that feels like. I remember the day that I was able to have this conversation and not halfway through be hyperventilating Because I had finally allowed myself to feel the gravity of what had happened in my life, and it was consuming.
Michelle Hall:Yes.
Juanita Gaynor:Yes, and so even in relationships. I remember the first relationship. I was living in Atlanta. We was four years.
Juanita Gaynor:That was the first relationship I actually told a man what had happened to me and how did that go. It was the safest space he made me. He didn't try to use it against me. He didn't try to make it seem like oh well, that's what you get. It was if you're not comfortable, that's OK, we can talk about it. He made sure that if something, if we were watching certain things and it was like he would sense if it was kind of off-kilter, he would change it. He would sense where, if you know, cuddling or holding, if I was just kind of creeped off by it, he would back up. He made the space safe.
Juanita Gaynor:But then with that relationship it let me know that, ok, I don't mind cuddling sometimes or I don't mind like having attention, because beforehand be like don't touch me, don't touch me, do not touch me, like I don't want to hug you, I don't want to be up under you, I don't like you, like that. And that's how I carry through relationships, because when I think of being touched, it was, it was never a pleasant feeling, right, right. So with the healing and being in a relationship now. Am I upset that that relationship didn't last? I was initially, but I realized it was just a necessary relationship to let me know that was OK. To want to be up under somebody was OK. To want to hold hands and, you know, hug and kiss. It was OK. And it taught me that how it felt and it was OK to feel that way and to have emotions attached to being intimate. It helped me to understand what intimacy was, because for a long time still, sex was just a mean to an end and there was no emotion attached to it. Right, right. So, and having that, it was like OK, I like that. Ok, it's not, it's not bad at all. And so when that ended, and you know, I'm just, you know, doing my thing and talking and being being willing to be open about being in a relationship, being comfortable and expressing what I wanted and not, you know, feeling like, oh, I shouldn't want that, or someone's going to think I'm fast, or someone's going to think, you know, I'm perverted If I say this or if I say I don't feel this way.
Juanita Gaynor:So that relationship helped me to get beyond. It was like you know how we're in teenagers you have the time where you date and you get to develop that I didn't get that Right. I was introduced to it out the gate, yeah, and so I had to catch up, you know, to the body, because then that you know was introduced to me at a time where emotionally I was not prepared for Because I wasn't emotionally developed for it Right. So now it's caught up and now I can, you know, talk about the traumas, and so it goes into dealing with that to now understanding that trauma has led to other things in life, like why, how have you success, how have you money, how I move, and you know shake in the world.
Juanita Gaynor:Because with that type of trauma, when you always have to be the people please, when you always have to be reserved, when you always have to kind of meet, or what you do and say you never push towards a ceiling. You know how they always say that we as women in the business have a ceiling, that we always, we always hit the ceiling. So imagine that ceiling and imagine it almost to the floor for someone. Trauma. We create that because we derive and we only we don't want to be too successful because we know that the people around us can take it. So you do that with money you make just enough, just to do the basic whatever. Because people who are around you, that have been abusing you, who have caused you the trauma is you know, have ingrained into you that you're not your own person, your money is not your own, your success is not your own. So therefore, you limit yourself at what you get so that when you tell them that you don't have it or you ain't got that whatever, it's a true representation at that point.
Michelle Hall:Yeah, yeah, and that is so true that so many women survivors do that they put limits on themselves. And I was very much like you in the sense that I pushed stuff down like for years I was not even able to speak the words until I was in my 40s. So I was like way behind. I had already been married, going on 20 years, or had been married for 20 years at the time that I was able, even able to utter those words to my husband and just from fear and not knowing what kind of response I would get from him, and even after I told him, I still didn't tell my family, I didn't tell my mother or my sisters and I went through my healing process with counseling and everything, without my family ever even knowing. Of course they know now, but I had vowed that I won't. I'm like I'm not telling them, they don't need to know, because I knew it would cause all kind of rifts in the family, because it was two family members and I'm like, no, I'm just going to go do my therapy, I'm going to be good and I'm just not going to let them know. But the Lord had different plans and it all came out in his timing and it just is what it is. You know, whatever happened happened, I feel no guilt, no shame about it. I don't have that burden. I don't carry that burden anymore, thank God, because it's such a huge burden to carry and so many women just carry that on and on and on and that limitation is huge. It is huge because we don't often feel worthy, we don't feel like we are deserving and we put so many limitations on ourselves.
Michelle Hall:And so, yeah, that is so very true. What a story, what a story. And I'm so, I'm so in awe of you and how you are able to articulate this at this point in your life. You know, everyone's story is different and there's no maximizing or minimizing anybody's story because things affect people in different ways. So, but your your story starting out at such a young age and in such a horrific manner, and all that you've experienced throughout your young years is I am just in awe that you got the help that you needed and that you are healed and hold and that you're able to share your story.
Michelle Hall:Because that testimony right there, anybody who hears that, hears your story, should immediately feel if she can move beyond this, if she can process this and move beyond this into. You know a healthy marriage and you know a successful business and take the limits off yourself. That should that should encourage anybody in anyone. So I am so very thankful to have you on the show and to have you share your experience and your in your story. Just a couple questions before we end. And so childhood sexual abuse, or sexual abuse in general, has such a stigma to it. So what, what are your thoughts on things that we could do to help to help remove the stigma and to make it a safe place for people to talk about their their childhood sexual abuse experiences?
Juanita Gaynor:Well, one of my thought process is that I think what has happened is that they have taken abuse to kind of codify and kind of downplay the trauma of what it is, because what it is is actually rape, that's, that's really what it is. And so we have to start talking about what it is. And and so, you know, instead of abuse because abuse that makes it sound like it's passing and that you know it is you know something you know happening. You know you call domestic abuse or whatever like no, you have to call it what it is. Mm, hmm, you know we have to stop pacifying and saying that, you know. Oh well, you know, they don't remember.
Michelle Hall:Yeah, do.
Juanita Gaynor:Yeah, they do. Yeah, we have to. As women I'm talking to the women we have to stop giving these pedophiles a pass. We have to get out the habit of oh, don't talk about the pastor like that. Or don't talk about the man of God like that. Or don't talk about you know that good man like that. He's running a business and he's helping the community. We have to stop, you know, enabling. We have to stop covering. We have to start believing our children. We have to start protecting our children.
Michelle Hall:Mm, hmm.
Juanita Gaynor:But we also have to acknowledge the mental health. You know, mental health and mental illness. Yeah, because many of many of our parents, many of these women gone, have gone through, let me put it this way many of these women have always also been violated, mm, hmm, and no one did anything for them. So they feel, or they think, that that is the way to handle it, not understanding that that wasn't the way to handle it.
Michelle Hall:I think that is so true. That is so true. Several people that I have had on the show. They had similar experiences with their mothers, as in like, the mothers knew or found out at some point, and it was like they didn't know how to process it. They didn't know how to talk about it. They you know the episode that just came out of the podcast. The lady was saying that when she talked to her mother as a young adult, her mother told her I was just praying that you were too young to remember it. So, of course, the mother knew that this had happened to her and but she didn't offer any. She didn't offer any support, she didn't offer really any protection to her, her child. She was still around these people and she was just saying well, you know, I was just praying that you were too young to remember that this happened. And so that's something, too, that I want to bring awareness to is how do we, how do we equip people to handle this better?
Juanita Gaynor:Okay, I can only speak for me, being African American, and in the community, we have to take the what goes on in this house stays in this house mentality out. Amen, because I think that is the. That is the mentality that has kept things quiet. That is the mentality that you know. Oh, it's family, doesn't matter what it is, we're family, you know yeah and then also in.
Juanita Gaynor:We have to begin to be open about our past experiences and I say this even with in ministry. We have to be open about what we went through, what we've gone through, what our ups and downs were. We can't pretend like everything is peach and keen now because you know we like put a big bandaid on it and we don't talk about it. We have to begin to start vocalizing what we have gone through.
Michelle Hall:Mm. Hmm, yeah, you know.
Juanita Gaynor:And acknowledging stuff is wrong or having those conversations. This is what I tell the victims or survivors, and I know it can be hard, but that, that aunt and that mom, you have to give them some grace when you get older. Because I found out, as I was when I got older, that you know my mother had been abused. I mean she was drinking and rode and riding with motorcycle games at the age of 12. Come to find out, yeah, so you, you're asking them to do something for you that they couldn't do for themselves and nobody did for them, right, right, so they don't know. And so this is what we do. As we're getting healed, as we are seeing and setting the times in motion, what our job is is to reach back and help them with their healing and accept that most of them may take it to their grave, because that's the only way of life that they knew and for them, for some people, for them to fully heal what it means to unravel who they know as themselves, and some people emotionally just can't handle that.
Michelle Hall:Yeah.
Juanita Gaynor:Yeah.
Juanita Gaynor:But it's going to be as a survivors to kind of pull, reach back, Because we can say, well, what grandma didn't do, what mama did do they didn't, they did what they could. They lived in an era where they had to be under a man. They lived in an era where they had no choice, Like I want us to address that Like they didn't have a choice A lot of the times. Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers didn't have any choice, Right? So when we look at that, there was a lot they endured. There was a lot they had to go through just to be able to have a roof over their head, just to be able to be food on the table.
Juanita Gaynor:We don't have those same pressures. So let us go through the healing and let us reach back and let us help them along the way and show them the grace and say you know what, grandma, I understand, but think about it, Think about some of our aunties, and all of them. They've warned us the best way they could go to school, get an education, be the best person you can be for yourself. They, in their own way, was giving us some ways to not fall into that trap but to move forward and to push the narrative and to be an open society we're going to be half the ones. Be the ones to reach back and bring them in.
Michelle Hall:Amen, amen. I agree with all of that. I've seen a lot of that in my own life and some of my own experiences, and wow. So as we end, I'll just ask you one final question, and that is well, is there anything else on this subject, or on your story, or on childhood sexual abuse in general, that you would like to leave as a closing statement?
Juanita Gaynor:That healing is going to always be a continual thing. I know sometimes we want it to be a one and done, but your trauma didn't happen at a one and done and there's going to be phases of your person that you have to heal. You have to heal the five year old. You have to heal the preschool. You have to heal the kindergarten. You have to heal the elementary kid. You got to heal your preteen self, your teenage self, your young adult self, because wherever the point of your trauma began, everything leading up to that was stunted. So embrace the process and the journey of fully embracing who you are, because, even though your trauma happened to you, it is a part of your story and it's okay for it to be a part of your story. It is. It is Because it's just that it's a part of your story. It's not your whole story.
Michelle Hall:Amen on that. So tell my listeners where they can find you on social media and I know you have your own show. I'd like for you to share that information with them as well.
Juanita Gaynor:Sure, you can find me on all platforms on social media at the handle Juanita E Gainer, and that is Facebook, instagram, twitter, linkedin all of them. You can find me there. And I do have a radio show podcast. It's called Moving Past you and it is going into the obstacles and the things that block us and live in the purpose that God has for you. So Season 4 is off to an amazing start, and so I'm excited about that. But if you're looking to hear some people or hear some teachings about going through your healing and how you can move from all of that and then use it to walk in your purpose, come over and join us at movingpastyoucom.
Michelle Hall:Awesome, awesome. I'll put that information in the show notes so that folks can take a listen if they want to do that, and I just want to thank you again for being on the show and being so open and vulnerable and sharing your story. I know that it is going to help so many people and I just appreciate you.
Juanita Gaynor:Thank you for having me. I appreciate you for having the platform and allowing others to come and share so that we can continue this healing journey for ourselves and others.
Michelle Hall:And others. Amen, all right, thank you, you're welcome. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Broken to Blessed. Subscribe to the podcast and share it with all of your sister girlfriends. This podcast may be the catalyst to their healing journey. And remember life can get better. You just have to do the work. God bless.
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