Broken to Blessed
Welcome to Broken to Blessed, the podcast dedicated to empowering women survivors of childhood sexual abuse on their journey from brokenness to healing and transformation. I'm your host, Michelle Hall, a certified Christian Life Coach and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Join us as we explore powerful insights, personal stories, and practical tools to support survivors on their path to reclaiming their lives and discovering their inherent strength.
Broken to Blessed
Triumph Over Trauma: Nicole Badger's Inspiring Journey of Survival and Self-Acceptance
When life pushes you to the edge of despair, is it possible to find hope and redefine your story? Nicole Badger—an end-stage IV lymphoma cancer survivor and a warrior who triumphed over childhood sexual abuse—answers that question with an uplifting affirmation. Brace yourself for an empowering conversation as Nicole shares her dramatic journey of survival against all odds, and life beyond her traumas.
Nicole's story takes us through the murky terrain of childhood sexual abuse, painting a vivid picture of the paralyzing fear, guilt, and shame that victims often endure in silence. Her experiences shed light on the aftermath of such traumatic events, primarily the lasting ripple effects on relationships and the struggle with intimacy. However, her journey doesn't end in despair. By embracing therapy, Nicole demonstrates the power of resilience, the importance of self-acceptance, and the liberating realization that survivors are not to blame for the atrocities they've endured.
Amidst all her trials, Nicole's odyssey also took a daunting turn with a cancer diagnosis, leading to more isolation and struggles within her family. Yet, undeterred, Nicole became a beacon of resilience. In this hard-fought journey towards self-acceptance, she emphasizes the necessity of self-love and compassion, highlighting that joy and happiness are not elusive, but achievable. Ending on an empowering note, Nicole reminds us that healing is a continuous process, and it's possible to reclaim our lives, one step at a time. Her story stands as a testament to the power of the human spirit, inspiring us to usher in the healing we need.
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Journey to Freedom Questionnaire
My special guest today is Nicole Badger, and boy does she have a story to tell. Nicole is not only a childhood sexual abuse survivor, but she was also sexually abused several times as an adult. Nicole is also a survivor of end stage IV lymphoma cancer. When she was diagnosed at the age of 20, she was given only two days to live. But here it is, 16 years later, and she's still here. She has a story of resilience, a story of strength, and she has stepped into her own power, and hers is a story worth listening to.
Michelle Hall:This is Broken to Blessed, a podcast for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I am your host, Michelle Hall. I am a certified Christian life coach and I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and for many years I felt broken because of that experience. But, thank God for his blessings, he pulled me out of brokenness and into blessings, hence the name of the podcast, and I want the same for you. Healing is possible. If you're willing to do the work, let's get started. Welcome to the show, Nicole. Thank you. Yeah, so we're going to talk today about some sexual abuse and sexual assault that you experienced both as a child and as an adult, and so I'd like to start out by asking you to share with my listeners the dynamics of your family and your household when you were younger, and then you can talk a little bit about your experience with childhood sexual abuse.
Nicole Badger:Well, actually I had a great childhood. Honestly, I grew up lovingly with my mom and my grandmothers and lots of aunts and uncles and cousins, and we always hang out with each other and my dad. I would say that, to be honest, even though I had a great childhood, I would honestly say that, yes, we did experience some things. I know what it's like to struggle Not every time Everything was okay so I know it's like sometimes to experience your water being cut off, you know, or light cut being cut off or something. And my favorite time of the holiday was Christmas and Thanksgiving, because I got this in Easter, because I spent the whole time with the whole family and really enjoyed.
Nicole Badger:I'm actually from New York and I ended up moving to Maryland, which we are getting to a little bit later when we talk about the sexual abuse. And I also know a little tiny bit about domestic violence because I, you know, went through it at one time with my dad and my mom and I only saw him hit her once, but I'm pretty sure it was probably more than that, because my reaction to him doing that once probably made him think twice about showing it to me. But other than that, I could say I really pretty much had a good one and I really felt love. You know, for my all my family and I would have to say school was great and so, yeah, that was to me really show me how to love by the family dynamic.
Michelle Hall:Okay, all right Now I know early on in your life you had a significant medical condition. Can you share about that with my audience, with my listeners?
Nicole Badger:Yeah, so at 20 years old I was diagnosed with end stage four lymphoma cancer and I actually started going through the symptoms months before we even knew what was going on. I was feeling weak that was like my first symptoms feeling very weak, and then I couldn't really eat anything. And then I was, you know, getting headaches. I mean, these headaches were so, so bad, to the point I was like taking Tylenol and I think I only got maybe like five minutes of peace, you know, and we went through that. And then I don't know where this big old tumor grew on the right side of my neck.
Nicole Badger:And this whole time of going through these symptoms, we are going back and forth to doctors but they didn't see anything for months. They kept saying we don't know what it is, even when I, you know my tumor grown. We went back to the doctor with this and what is this? And they still said they didn't know what it was. But I still took a test scan and I actually didn't hear anything back from them. So we actually called them back like, hey, you know what's going on. And the nurse said, listen, no news, it's good news. So we was like, okay, that'll make sense, because I know what I feel, that my you know my mom and my dad is seeing what I'm going through.
Nicole Badger:I'm really really sick. So finally, you know, one morning I woke up and God told me I need you to tell your mom you can't move. And I was like God, I don't know if she's going to believe that. But no, god was like no, you can't move. So tell her. And I was like I can't move. And she says she believed me because I was pale, I look like I was dead. And when I was west to the hospital, that's when I actually found out I had cancer and they actually told me I had two days to live.
Michelle Hall:Oh, my goodness.
Nicole Badger:Yeah, that was it Two days. They said I was not going to live past two days. And I remember you know my mom has to go to board members' meeting because none of the doctors wanted to work on me Even the CEOs and those in charge of you know medical care. They looked at my case and said, listen, she's dead, she's going to die. No matter what we do, she's going to die. There was like nobody survived stage four cancer at the end of it. I mean, few people might survive the beginning of it, but no one survives the end of it and she's at the end of it, you know. So my mom had to say, listen, you guys, you're going to work on my child. And they finally agreed to do it. So for three years I went through chemo, radiation surgeries, blood transfusions, all of that and finally, by the grace of God, my cancer was gone and this year I celebrated 16 years cancer free.
Michelle Hall:Oh, hallelujah, that right there is definitely God working. He has work for you. He has to do because that right there is a testimony unlike most. So congratulations for beating cancer with a two day life expectancy diagnosis. That is unlikely and that just shows how our God can move and make the impossible possible, exactly.
Nicole Badger:And I thank God for that, because I know like my heart goes out to everyone that's fighting the cancer battle and we know we have lost so many people to this. You know disease, unfortunately, and even with you know me being cancer. You know cancer, radiation and chemo did a lot of damage to my body. You know like I just found out in what 2020 I have congestive heart failure. I have a defibrillator. Now I suffer with pain every single day. You know things that we take for granted, like taking showers, and you know, just cooking, watching dishes, things we take for granted it caused me the worst pain ever. So you know it did a lot of damage, but I thank God so much that I am still here and I am able to inspire your people, to let them know that God has to find a say.
Michelle Hall:Absolutely, absolutely, wow. So I'd like to get back to your experience with childhood sexual abuse. I know when we talked earlier, you said that you experienced that at the hand of a family member, so what would you like to share with my listeners about that experience?
Nicole Badger:So from the time that I was six years old to 12 years old, I was raped and molested constantly by my cousin and I went through that, as that young of an age was very traumatizing for me, and I went through so much I didn't even understand at first what was really going on, because I was young and as you start to get older and older you start to hear other people talking about what that kind of is and you're understanding like, okay, what can I do to stop this? But it was something I can do, because even when I was saying no or probably made him feel like I was close to saying something, he would threaten me with a knife and threaten to harm people I care about and I think that that kind of made me so afraid to say anything for a very long time. But I believe that God put people in your life for a reason and when I was in sixth grade I actually began to be friends with someone and I don't know what it was about him, but he made me feel comfortable to tell him what was happening to me and I was able to tell him. But I noticed as I was telling him I don't know why, but I felt so ashamed to go into complete details of what happened, so I just like gave him the most like my cousin is raping me, you know, making me do things I don't want to do, and he was so ashamed that we have to tell. We have to tell and he we thought of my grandmother. I don't know why for some reason, but we thought of telling my grandma first, and my grandma just happens to not be home at that time, for my aunt was, and I felt like if I did not say something right now, I would never get this courage again. So this is when I'm 12 years old now, and then I told my aunt what happened and I called the cops. And when you know, the cops come and you go to the doctor to examine you and all of this, and it's almost like you feel violated again, because now you have these doctors now examining you to test you, to make sure you know what you're saying is the truth, and now to understand exactly the damage he has done to you by doing that so young, and now you hear it in a different and delway of what he done to you.
Nicole Badger:It kind of traumatized me a little bit more, and my mom was told at that point why they was figuring out what to do was I had that she had to get me out the house, you know. So that's why we ended up moving to Maryland, because she we have to leave out the house in New York City. But she also said I don't want to raise my you know, meet my child in New York City. So I'm going to go ahead and move to Maryland because when she visited here she actually liked it, but she was one of those parents that were girls in a house. They's in a house, so I wasn't even Tom sometimes. When she caught me crying about it, because I don't know if she felt ashamed that she didn't know, or embarrassed or guilty, but whatever it was, she didn't really want me to react to it a lot. She's like she just wanted me to be like this is what happens. You just got to deal with it and go through life.
Nicole Badger:But it affected me a lot because it gave me nightmares.
Nicole Badger:It kind of made me felt like I didn't want to trust anyone and like being around men.
Nicole Badger:It kind of made me feel a certain way and for a very long time I didn't tell anybody that I was right. Nobody who I've been came friends with, you know, over the years had no idea until when I was in the 12th grade. When I was in the 12th grade I met somebody and I was able to, like, talk to him about it as a friend and he was like I would never guess that, you know, but that explains why you were so. You know like, quiet and you know like and everything, and to me I felt like it left a lot of damage, you know, to this day, you know, because I have issues with sex and I wish I would have gotten a lot more help, because I think it would have helped me in my healing and knowing what to do with it, because all them years I was blaming myself even though I was six years old, I'm thinking I did something Like I always asked what about me was so sexually attractive that he didn't even care.
Nicole Badger:I was six years old, you know. That really, really affected me and me, and I don't like when people want sex for me. That's like that's what that situation in which we're going to get into my other way, that's what it did to me. It's like I don't want you asking me for sex, like I mean, it's a major turn off, like if you even think of asking me, I don't, I don't respect you, because it makes me feel like because, being right, maybe I feel like that's all they wanted. So I don't even to this day.
Nicole Badger:You know I'm doing a therapy, you know, since I think 2018 or 2017. And it helped me out a lot because I felt like I'm way a little bit better than I used to be, because I used to not, I couldn't even talk about it years ago without crying and screaming, and I feel like now I'm in a place where now I can talk about it. You know and understand it wasn't my fault, but I did nothing wrong. I did not cause this and it's nothing that I could have done to prevent this or stop this from happening any wrong. And then it did. I did the best I could, being that young.
Michelle Hall:Yes, so Unfortunately that is what happens with a lot of child victims of sexual abuse. They blame themselves, they internalize, they just have all of these feelings about themselves. And you said that you, you did tell you, you told your aunt and your mother found out and and you all moved. So I I'm just curious did anything happen to the cousin since you had, since you did go to the doctor and you did the exams and all of that? Did anything ever happen to him?
Nicole Badger:No, when it came out and everything, it was the decision between because my cousin is actually my dad grandson, so there was a decision between adults that said we feel like she's too young to testify, you know, so we don't want her to go through that. So there was a decision to make sure I was never around to any again. You know, that was pretty much it. So he went through life, you know, having his own kids and all of that he's. He actually passed away, I think, from that mistaken maybe 2017, if I'm not mistaken and I felt like.
Nicole Badger:I felt like I never got justice. That's how I felt, even though, you know, depending on how you look at it, he died very, very horribly. So, depending on how you look at it, you could say well, listen, god said don't touch my anointed and you is his anointed and that could have been how he would be so. So maybe I didn't get justice the legal way, but then I got justice another way, but a part of me which I had got justice the legal way, because it feels more of a validation Like this is what he did to me, and then it also makes me feel very bad because I don't know if he did this to anyone else. And then it's like I don't know if he did this to somebody else. I don't know. If somehow they was to find out, I am the person that he probably did this to first, or not, I don't. I would never know. But would they feel like you could have stopped this if you would have just spoken up?
Michelle Hall:Mm, hmm, mm, hmm. Well, like I said, we, we find ways to blame ourselves, and I just want to say to you, as you have already figured out, it was not your fault and who knows why he chose you. You know, I was violated by two of my cousins and I have no idea why they, why they did that, why did they pick me, the same, the same thing, why why me? And I did find out later that one of them had had done it to someone else and that person didn't speak up, at least for quite a while, and and that didn't turn out in. It's just crazy how we put so much on ourselves. But I also think back and think that because we are children we are when this happens at a young age you simply don't know how to process it. Because you are so young, it's like you know that something is wrong, this shouldn't be happening, and then, like you said, you had threats. When you would get close to trying to tell someone, you would be threatened, and it's like we just don't know, because we don't want anybody else to get hurt and so we don't tell.
Michelle Hall:And that's one of the things that I want to put out on this podcast is to let women know that it is not their fault. It doesn't matter what the situation and what the circumstances are. It's it's not your fault. And I know that there are still women to this day who experienced childhood sexual abuse and still feel like it's their fault and they're still holding on to shame and guilt and all of those things. And you know, that's that's. That's the women. Those are the women that I work with in coaching is to help them to to understand and to overcome that idea that it's their fault because it's not. And so thank you for being brave enough to talk about this, because I know when we talked earlier you said it was something that you didn't really talk about much. So thank you for your bravery and sharing that experience, but unfortunately, that was not your last experience with sexual abuse. So what else happened?
Nicole Badger:So, as we talked about earlier, I fought cancer and then in 2009,. Now we're homeless. We live in Maryland again and now, you know, I just beat cancer, maybe two years prior, and my mom is now sick herself. She's a lot more sick than she used to be. She already had one eye surgery and she's we didn't. I know at the time she was dealing with kidney failure, but she was already having those sickness and we're only trying to now find a place, and that that situation alone is traumatizing when you have two sick people trying to figure out where to live.
Nicole Badger:And there was a family friend that we knew since I was in middle, middle school, in high school, like I honestly I want to say there was one time I had to be, maybe in the 11th grade. He just he gave me a feeling, but it was nothing that I felt was sustainable, you know, because I couldn't tell, ok, this, is you being scared so easily or was he really so? I remember talking to my mom and dad about it and then, you know, they told him and that was it. So I didn't think nothing ever. He came to my graduation party. He actually, you know, came to the hospital plenty of times when I was fighting the cancer battle. So now we're staying with him, you know, because we have nowhere else to go. And there was one night I remember now because I'm half out of it, you know and I remember somehow being pulled to his room and that's what I noticed was about to happen. And then what happened? And he actually raped me.
Michelle Hall:And the family friend that was helping you and your mother.
Nicole Badger:Yes, the one we were staying with when I was home with me and help with some of this, just like that, and I couldn't understand why is he doing this? You know I'm like no, no, I don't. He just held me down and did it anyway. And for some reason this time because I'm like 24, 25 years so for some reason this time I didn't wait to say anything. I actually told another family member right away, you know, along with my mom, and that family member actually said his exact words. I'm so sorry that happened, but you still got to stay there because you have nowhere for you to go. So, and because we couldn't sleep in the street, we actually stayed there, I think maybe another two and a half weeks, and then we went. We was going through this homelessness, going back to back to hotels and different people we can find to stay with, and then, finally, when the last person we had stayed with for some reason that didn't work out, so we ended up was literally about to literally sleep in the streets, and my mom has said I'm going to call the pastor now and that's when that family member said, okay, you could stay with us. So we stayed with that family member until we was able to actually find our own place. And that's when we got in our own place and got settled.
Nicole Badger:It was like that's when I was finally finally able to really process what really happened. And you know, because now you're not going through this homeless situation, so now it's like you're in your home, safe and sound, and now you can really sit down and process. This is what happened. This is the person that I knew for all them years and he decided he was at my cancer bed. You know like watching, you know visiting me and you knew my mom is like literally sleep and you did not care, you did not care that I just finished fighting the cancer battle and so you had, you did not care. All you saw was I just went to rape her. And that really traumatized me again because, like I said, I didn't do any therapy all these years. I didn't really. You know, I'm very naive and I was a lot more naive then and I was very sheltered, so it wasn't like I knew a whole lot of people was raped before, so I didn't even know that that was actually, unfortunately, a situation that goes on around the world. I've seen a lot of people that have been raped multiple times and I didn't know that at that time. So I'm thinking why am I with twice? What about me? Once again? Now I'm going back to why.
Nicole Badger:Why did this happen to me? Is it, is it a sign on my back that says rape me, I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be respected, I don't want to be treated right, I just want you to rape me. That's how I felt. I felt like something was just screaming from me that I didn't know about, that was saying just rape me, I don't care if you're my cousin or family friend, I don't care who you are, just rape me Like I don't care. It was like that's how I felt and I didn't understand why this happened to me. And then then it also taught me how rape is, you know, especially if they don't, even if they go to jail. But especially if they don't go to jail, it's like a part of them, in a weird way, feel emboldened, Like there's something in them that feel like, oh, I can still act like nothing didn't happen. Because he ended up still trying to contact me Like nothing happened. Wow, and I couldn't understand why.
Nicole Badger:After my mom said don't you ever contact my child again. You know, it was like what in the heck is happening? You know, like, how can you do this? And now I'm older and I'm thinking, okay, well, my mom reasoning at that time, when I was young, was I was too young to testify, but now I'm 24, 25. Why can't, I wouldn't now, why are we not getting justice? You know, but my mom had another reason. She was like I just don't want that for you, I just don't want you to go through this. I don't feel like you can handle it. So just let's just figure this and deal with it on ourselves. And I, once again, I'm not dealing with this again by myself, but that's how I felt. Like, even though she was there, I felt like I was dealing with this by myself. And now here's another situation where I did not get justice legally, but in a weird way, you might say I did because he actually burned alive.
Nicole Badger:Oh, oh yeah, yeah, he burned alive and died and about. I think it was a year and a half later. Burned alive and died.
Michelle Hall:So when this happened to you as a grown woman, did it feel the same or different than when it happened as a child?
Nicole Badger:Honestly, it felt worse because a part of me felt like I had a little bit of passion for that 6 to 12 year old girl. But now, here I am, 20 from a 25, and for some reason I'm thinking why didn't I excuse my language, but why didn't I kick them in? And you know why didn't I try? But then I had to tell myself it was weak, physically weak. You're only what two, maybe two years cancer free. At this point you're suffering and more pain than you can imagine. You don't have strength like that and you probably still wasn't in a protective mode trying to make sure nothing happened to your mom she's. They have all these health issues. There was so many reasons why you did not fight back, you know, because you didn't know what would happen. You could have been also afraid to be in the streets. There was so many reasons probably why you just did not fight back. But even when me saying that to myself, it still felt worse because I felt like why did? I should have done more.
Michelle Hall:Wow, Wow. So because you were really not able to get help and support, the help and support that you needed, both when you were assaulted as a child and as a grown woman. Where are you? Where are you, or when did you start getting that help that you needed? Because I think you said you went to counseling or you are in counseling. At what point did that start? When did you start to get help processing these things?
Nicole Badger:My mom passed away in 2016. So I think it was 2017, 2018, I started therapy and I saw the therapy, would I honestly? Because I was still in this process of not loving myself, not wanting to be alive. I was very depressed and I think it was mostly because of my cancer, the after-effect of cancer, and not dealing with so much of my emotions and then losing my mom. I think it was just so much of so all these years of me, especially after my cancer, not feeling like I'm alive. I felt like I was resisting but I didn't feel like I was alive.
Michelle Hall:Oh, that's very, yeah, that's very poignant. You're living, but you're alive, but you're not living.
Nicole Badger:Exactly, and a lot of people might say, okay, but you was doing plagues and you was doing, but I was resisting. Every time God woke me up, I used to ask why did you wake me up? Oh yeah, that's how bad I wanted to die. I just wanted to die. Attempted suicide once. I did not want to live. It was like I don't. So it was like I was just going through life and finally, when my mom died I think it was that's when I was really really was like, okay, I attempted to kill myself again and then I felt like I don't know why, but this, I guess something in me said it differently in 2017, or something that made my doctor go. Okay, I'm going to listen and I'm going to go get her some help. And I saw that's when I started therapy and I realized that in therapy, you got to try to figure out what do you want to talk about? So I pray.
Nicole Badger:For a very long time it was trying to process my mom's death. And then we finally got into being you know, me being raped twice and it was very hard to talk about, you know, because I was in this position of feeling like I just I still hate myself for both rapes. I just hate myself. You know, I feel like it's my fault somehow and it's like, even though I knew it wasn't that many fault, it's like I took all the blame. You know I took all like I hate myself because something in me said that this was okay to do, even though you know it's it rapes. Not like that. You know it's about power and control.
Michelle Hall:Yes.
Nicole Badger:You know, but in my mind I'm thinking it's just, it's something in me, it's just something in me. And even doing the therapy, I noticed that I was telling her, you know, over the years, about a particular friend, um, about how the way he used to keep asking me for sex and that's what turned off for me. I don't like it, you know, because it brings me back to that that them rapes, like it makes me feel like that's all people want from me, that's all they see. So I don't like it. And I and I tell him this, you know, like, listen, when you ask me, it's a turn off.
Nicole Badger:And I remember I finally got to a point where we was not having any type of sexual relations and a a part of me felt again like he still asked me, though even though I had told him in the most way you can think of. That is so direct like, stop asking me this. When you ask me, I feel like you don't respect my choice, you don't respect my boundaries. I feel like he says he understands, but then he turns around to do it. So what about me staying friends with this person? And then, as me and my therapist talked about it, it was because I didn't have family and support.
Michelle Hall:Hmm.
Nicole Badger:Because after, after my cancer, I lost my family, and when I mean lost, they alive. But they don't have nothing to do with me or my mom. You know, the only thing I can think of is because we got sick, because when we was healthy I had so much family. I'm hanging out with so much family. It was times I used to say do we have to go hang out with them? You know, because it was always with family. And now me and my mom is sick and we know one wants to invite us to Thanksgiving. Nobody but this friend is making sure he spent his time with me because he, especially my mom, passed what's on my past. Now I'm definitely spending hard days by myself. Couldn't pull it with just me and her, but now it's just me. So he was the one feeling I avoid making sure he spent the holidays with me, making sure he takes me on my birthday and rather making me feel special, like wanted or loved. So a part of me felt like I'm over looked, looking that because all of that he's doing.
Michelle Hall:Hmm.
Nicole Badger:And I don't know where. I'm now laying in my bed. This is like 2020 and I'm sleeping and I know I'm feeling something and I'm like cut up, that can't be right, because I shouldn't be feeling anything. So I jump on my sleep and I kick, but I don't know what I'm kicking because I'm asleep and then I realized I kicked him and he sexually assaulted me. Now I'm like okay, this is a person who knew about my rapes before. Well, I told him about it, my mom told him about it, and now you just sexually assaulted me because you touched me without my permission and you supposed to be. I'll consider him a close friend.
Nicole Badger:So I went to the doctor because I had a dozen swimmers that day and now I'm still in shock because I can't believe this happened and I can't believe it was him. And then I get home and I sent him this long text like what you did was called sexually assault, because you touched my body without my permission. You knew I didn't want any type of sexual relations with you. He sends me a text back like I'm sorry, but I don't like the fact that you're comparing me to a rapist. I said no, I didn't call you a rapist or compare you a rapist. I said you sexually assaulted me. This took. You did not do the full thing, so you sexually assaulted me because you was touching my body without my permission. So I close.
Nicole Badger:I went to my therapist about that and we talked about that and then we stopped dealing with each other, but then, like I said, I ended up having fun about my heart failure and now we're in a real boot defibrillator and now there's no one to help me. So now he's the person I have to turn to and I'm thinking. Well, he got very angry, according to him, when I so called compared to a rapist. I'm pretty sure he's not going to do this again because he was really sorry and he doesn't want that attached to him. Now he's helping me change my wearable defibrillator vest and then he sexually assaults me again. He touched my body part without my permission again. So that was the last short, so I've never talked to him. But even for a very long time he kept reaching out to me. He kept calling and texting me, pretending like he cares, and it's like what does that kind of did more damage to me, I think. I think all three of these incidents combined did so much damage to me because I said okay, first of all, I was raped twice, then sexually assaulted twice. One was by a cousin. I was raped by a cousin. Second, I was raped by a family friend and then, third, I was sexually assaulted twice by a close friend.
Nicole Badger:I'm thinking once again now I'm going back is something wrong with me? Why do these people think it's okay to rape and sexually assault me and then still try to reach out to me and pretend like they can't love me? What is happening? Do they think I'm this stupid? Do they think I'm just naive? Do they think I have no? What's happening Now? Once again, with his case? He's actually still alive. I'm guessing he's still going on with his acting career and stuff. But again, there's no justice. But with his situation, I actually want to go and get justice. But there was an incident where I saw him super, super angry and it scared the heck out of me. And I have a lease, a clause in my lease which I think is very discriminating and I don't even know how to begin to fight it that if a person do anything to cause any type of fear to you or the residents in your building, you can be evicted.
Michelle Hall:I see.
Nicole Badger:And because I saw him that angry. If you go and press charges on him, who knows? Because now everybody he got so upset when it was just you and him and now a lot of people are looking at him in that way who knows what he would do? So now, if he comes and calls a commotion in my apartment building, I'm back in the streets and I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to go. I will be in the streets. So now it's like I have to choose between a roof over my head or justice, and unfortunately, or fortunately, I think it's unfortunate because if I know I have nowhere to go, it's best to just deal with it the way I'm dealing with it and I tell myself when because I don't want to say if, because I feel like you say if it's like you're not believing that God can do it. So I try to say when God blesses me to stand more on my own two feet, I am coming after him. Yeah.
Michelle Hall:Yeah Well, I hope that you're able to get the justice that you, that you want to get. You are certainly entitled to that. You have had a myriad of experiences and have not received the proper justice that you desired. I am, I must, commend you for going after justice or, you know, wanting to pursue, want to pursue justice, especially with this last encounter with this quote, friend. But I fully understand what you're saying about your living situation. You have to choose. In this case, you chose your yourself, which is probably a very good choice for you. It when you, when you look at the situation and you weigh them. Of course you have to look out for yourself. I want to circle back to when you said how you lost your family when you and your mother got sick, when, when you was diagnosed with the cancer and your mother had kidney issues, what happened to your family, particularly with your father? It seemed as though you had a fairly good relationship with your father and the rest of your family prior. What happened?
Nicole Badger:Well, my father passed away in 2012. Well, my father, yeah, he pretty much Ended up staying in New York City and that was doing. One of the main reasons why that happened was because there was an incident when I was me and my father love watching scary movies together and I was laying down in the bed watching the scary movies with him and I felt something and I woke up and I told my mom. I said Mom, dad, I think, tried to touch me and she said what. I said yeah, so she went and questioned him immediately. He said no, I tried to pull the covers over her, but I didn't try that. And I said, mom, I'm telling you that's not a cover pulled and she kicked them out. So he never lived with us ever again since that. But I honestly still stayed in contact with him because that's all I knew. He, my birth father, passed away when I was four, so I didn't I don't even remember. So he was the only father I knew. So he was still there, like on a phone, wise, you know, up until the time he passed away.
Nicole Badger:But my family they was when I was fighting the cancer, they would come and visit a little bit, but after, after the cancer and after we got settled and I was settled in my home in Merlin again after being homeless, I remember my mom was more bold than me. I'm very shy and quiet and I don't I don't know if it's that afraid of standing up for myself, I don't know but my mom was more bold, she didn't mind asking questions. So she's the one that will call. You know my family and Merlin. I've had family Merlin, south Carolina. You know DC, new York. And she would ask you know my family and Merlin, dc. Hey, you know, can we come to Thanksgiving? And they will give my mom excuses, you know, like no, we're not doing anything.
Nicole Badger:And then, of course, you see it on Facebook and the excuse they always have was you know, we, everybody got their own life. We always have a why we don't not invited, even if it's not on holidays, and hang out, or y'all come hang out with us or something, and they go. Well, we got our own life. You know everybody's working and I actually told my aunt this one time, because I did question my aunt after my mom passed away. I said I have to ask you something. As she said, yeah, I said I don't want to cause a problem, I just need to know.
Nicole Badger:I said before my cancer you know, we all spend holidays together, we are all spending night with us, we spend a night at your house and then it seems like now there's nobody you know kids to call us. We want to invite us anywhere. And she said well, it's not like that. You know, everybody got their own family now and they doing their own thing and they working. I said auntie, listen, let's be real, y'all was working before I got cancer. My family worked. I'm not going to sit here and pretend. My family all had jobs and y'all all had your own family, y'all all had your own friends, and we still spend holidays together and spend the night at each other's house on weekends. So come on down.
Nicole Badger:And she was like well, I don't. That's when the study and the thuddering came I don't, I don't know what you want, I don't know what you want. And I said well, auntie, did I do something to you? No, did I say something hurtful to you? No, so why don't I get an invitation to the holidays or anything like that? I don't know. So the only thing I've gathered is that I'm sick. Nobody, my family, just don't want to deal with me because I'm sick, because when I was healthy we had all the family and now I still all my. I still have my family on Facebook, you know, doing their own stuff, but they don't call me, they don't check on me, they don't invite me anywhere. So every holiday I'm by myself.
Michelle Hall:Hmm, yep, wow, how sad is that, very sad.
Nicole Badger:So I blame it on my sickness. Honestly, you know, that's the one of the reasons why I always hated myself for so long, cause I'm like it's my if I didn't get sick. I have family and it's my fault. I don't like I have a few friends that like I have one main friend that will hang out, but other than that, yeah, I'm mad about myself all the time.
Michelle Hall:Hmm, so, based on your experience and your journey with the cancer and the cancer and with the sexual abuse, how has that influenced your relationship and your connections with other people? You've spoke a little bit on that just now, but either positively or negatively.
Nicole Badger:I would say negative as far as the health issue, because apparently I'm not worthy of being around anymore, or but positive I would say because I think it kind of helps me a little bit stand up more for myself and it kind of helps me a little bit now to say I always say when I make it, because I feel like I always have this. This is why I put so much pressure on me to make it in the entertainment world, because I feel like if I was famous I would have family. Because I feel like famous people hang up with famous people. So, yeah, I have an auntie, that auntie Andrew. I love them. She means everything to me. She definitely took over when my mom passed away. She stepped in so she makes you hand-threws, medical and everything. She makes you a very good supporter. So love and submission, appreciate her submission.
Nicole Badger:I have a close friend who's always there for me.
Nicole Badger:So I would say, when it comes to that, because they know my truth and they know I'm a decent, good person and I actually have other people, friends.
Nicole Badger:From afar you know like we're a topper, we don't really hang up, but they know I'm a good person and they see my growth. But I feel like when it comes still to certain things, I don't feel comfortable around a lot of people. So I would say that's the other negative, because it's just hard for me to be myself around a lot of people sometimes because I've been judged so much for crying or speaking out about how I feel. So if I'm around people I could be in the worst severe pain ever and I'm like I ain't crying, I'm acting like I'm okay, and then when I get home I cry. I don't feel safe to do that. So I would say on one hand it kind of brings the sexual abuse and the health Mike and Mike bring me a little closer to people, but then on the other hand, I think it also makes me feel not safe and comfortable enough and not loved enough in certain ways.
Michelle Hall:Mm-hmm. Okay. So I heard you say something about theater and shows or plays, so tell me a little bit about that.
Nicole Badger:Yes, I'm an actress as well. I have not acted in a very long time, except for doing a little of one play right now as is now convicted a question which is a very great play. It's actually written by Pastor Melanie Best and I actually thought I played when I was 14, which is so crazy, because I don't even like acting at that time. I hate it. And that play was so good to me that I said I want to be in that play and I remember my mom saying you don't even want to act. I said no, but I'll just do that one. And she was like well, who knows, one day when you get older, you might be in that play. And I think it was 2010, I think it was and she asked me to do the play and I was like I don't know. So my character is pride and I love it so much. But over the years, you know, I have done plays. I have done some movies and a few TV shows and I love performing. It means the world to me to get up there and perform.
Nicole Badger:I think 2022 was the first time I actually did a fashion show. I loved, oh my God. I think I love modeling more than acting. It was so much fun. Oh my God, I love it.
Nicole Badger:It just I don't know why, because it's like hello, you went from thinking you was the ugliest person in the world to now you feel so beautiful and you say you're beautiful and now you feel so comfortable to model in front of people and it's just so fun. It's like it just makes me like, bring like this sexy part out of me and makes me feel like, no matter what your circumstances, you can do something. Whatever it is you can do. You just got to pray and put the word towards it. You can do it.
Nicole Badger:So I have done that and I have been blessed and fortunate to start speaking now to tell my story, you know, about my cancer and everything I've been through, and that I love doing that too, because I just want to inspire people. Yeah, you know, if it's nothing else I get out of all the things I've done, I hope that I've got to inspire people. That they say. When I was about to give up, I thought about Nicole and I thought about all she's been doing. She has so many times to give up, she has so many reasons to give up, but she said I'm just going to keep fighting.
Nicole Badger:I'm going to keep going and I'm going to try to do the best again, because I believe God has something better for me. And, yes, I might be lacking something, but I believe God is going to bring so many blessings to my door and if I give up I won't be able to see it. So I have to keep holding on. So if nothing else come out of it, I don't get any awards, anything else If I just get somebody to tell me that that that would be everything to me.
Michelle Hall:Oh, how powerful. How powerful for the perseverance that you have with all of your, all of the experiences and the journey that you've had. You have any insights about self care and self compassion as you go through your healing process.
Nicole Badger:You know, one of the things I love to do now is just, I love to listen to music. I love to watch my favorite movies and shows. I love playing games. I think, for me, I love to. I don't wear makeup, I don't know why, I just don't like it but I love lip gloss. Oh my God, I'm the queen of lip gloss and I think one of the things for me, what I like to do is, every now and then, when I'm not, when my pain level is at a five I sometimes it could be in the middle of the night I would get up and put on outfits and do a fashion show, because it just I want to feel like listen, girl, you're beautiful.
Nicole Badger:I know you got all these scars. I know you live in pain all the time. I know you got all these help that you. I know you've been through something, but, girl, you're still worthy. You still love you. Still, you're just your strong woman. Show yourself. You know, even if somebody else want to call you ugly, even if somebody else want to judge you, you know who you are.
Nicole Badger:Yes, you know there's somebody else in this world that's saying listen, I think I'm ugly, so I'm not going to do something, but hold up. I know Cole told me she thought she was the ugliest person in the world, but here she is taking pictures and doing a fashion show. So that means now I can do it. I look in the mirror and I will say, oh, Nicole, you're beautiful. You know you're beautiful. That is something you, we can do. Find something that makes you feel love. So find something that entertains you, Because I know some people would teach me girl, you don't watch that show like eight zero in your time, I know, but it makes me happy.
Nicole Badger:It does I listen If they're watching the same shows and movies makes me happy. Keep me sustained, and that's what I'm going to do. If praying makes me happy, that's something, and I pray all the time. I don't, I would talk to God. I remember I know one thing about me is I feel like God be like if she called me one more time when she just did that to herself. Because I have this thing that I would get up and start dancing and be like, oh God, my neck and back hurt and I feel like. I know God be like did you not see what you just did? She's like you're behind down and rescue what you want me to do, you, you just, oh, my goodness.
Nicole Badger:I love it. Do what I have to do to make me happy, make me laugh, make me have fun. That's what I do for me. So my insight will be to find what makes you happy, find what makes you say I want to get up and see what tomorrow brings me. That's what I think will be will be able to help us when we're going through our journey to trying to find out who we are, trying to find our purpose and trying to understand why we had to go through what we had to go through.
Michelle Hall:Hey man, I love that. Where do you feel like you are in your healing journey?
Nicole Badger:Oh my God, Progress, a walk in progress. They'll try to. I feel like I have grown so much in my growth because, like I said, there used to be a time when I used to wake up every day wanting to die. I would perform in all these plays and knowing very well I want to die and I hate my, what I look like. And now I'm at this place where I can smell. You know, I love myself now. I didn't love myself then. I love myself now. I feel so beautiful. Now I don't hate myself.
Nicole Badger:I'm still in a part of trying to understand why I had to go through all of that, but I still understand it does not determine who I am, that I can still be whoever I'm destined to be. And it made me feel like, yes, you can hear what people say, because we cannot stop what people saying, what they're going to say, but I don't mean you got to listen to it and I don't mean you have to own it for yourself. So if people put an example, a lot of people in this world that I have come across with have this thing of like. I don't understand why there are people in a wheelchair that work, people who blind work, and you can't work. You know, and you're like now you could be a time I'm going to the explanation mode. You know, like, listen, I go to your doctor with you. You can go to the doctor with me, and I'm like, now I'm at this place, I suggest you talk to God, sweetie, because I listen, because I can't afford my doctor bills again, so they're not going to lie for me. So I suggest you talk to God and ask God hey, god, I'm trying to understand why Nicole can't work. Okay, because what you want me to do, if you feel like I don't understand Nicole that might not look completely disabled to me, talk to God about that. But, like God, why Nicole don't look disabled to me? Oh, you know, you need to talk to God about that because I know the truth. Anybody, or my doctors, know the truth. You know anybody who has common sense, no disrespect know the truth. They understand how disabled I am. You know they understand.
Nicole Badger:But even me we've been talking for an hour now and I'm in pain. I can't stop that. That is something I got no control over, because my neck is fine according to this damage, but if I allow that to stop me to try to help people or to help people, to try to help people or to do what I can, I would never be where I'm trying to be. Yeah, so, as learned, it's not for you always to understand. There's some things about me I still don't understand. So how can I expect you to always understand it? But only thing I can do is say I'm not going to try to force you to understand, because either you get it or you don't, right? So in my healing journey now, it's like I don't care all the time what you say, say what you want, because that's just showing who you are. You know I am going to do what's best for me, because I'm not going to try to prove, because when I used to try to prove things to you, all I did was put me in the hospital and I ain't seen none of y'all at that hospital. So I'm not proving nothing to you. I'm my job at the proof that Jesus and Jesus and God told me to lay my behind down, because they know what I can do. Right, that I'm not dealing with you. So that's my healing.
Nicole Badger:My healing was to learn I am so gorgeous with all my scars, even with no teeth, I'm gorgeous, and there's sometimes I have moments when I'm like I don't understand why I got no teeth, but I have learned to say what am I going to do? Cry about all the time. I can't change it, you know. But yeah, I have fun times. I'd be like God, don't you think you want to like find me some teeth somewhere?
Nicole Badger:You know I have fun. I mean, I don't have shoulder replacement surgery, I don't talk to my close friend but anybody won't go find me a shoulder for Christmas. You know I have fun. You know that's where I'm at in my healing journey, just my growth, and I am able to sit here and tell you that it's not finished. I still got more healing to go and I feel like, no matter how much God healed us and grown us, we can still learn more, we can still grow more, we can still hear more. So that's definitely where I'm at, knowing that I am who I am and I still have more to go. But thank God I'm not where I used to be.
Michelle Hall:Oh, nicole, thank you so much for that. That is a powerful statement, that is awesome, and so with that, I'm going to say thank you, thank you for sharing your your story with my listeners. Thank you for this interview, for you are in pain. I appreciate your willingness to do that and to share so that someone else can be inspired, and just thank you so much.
Nicole Badger:Thank you for having me, for being on the show.
Michelle Hall:Yes, yes, yes, all right, thank you for joining me on this episode of broken to blessed. Subscribe to the podcast and share it with all of your sister girlfriends. This podcast may be the catalyst to their healing journey. And remember life can get better. You just have to do the work, god bless. You just have to do the work, god bless.
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