To Forgive or Not to Forgive: A Survivor's Perspective on Healing

As your guide and fellow traveler on the road to healing, I, Michelle Hall, invite you into a raw conversation about the role of forgiveness after enduring childhood sexual abuse. Together, we peel back the layers of this delicate subject, sharing insights from my own experiences as a survivor and Christian Life Coach. This episode is more than just a discussion; it's a sanctuary for those grappling with the decision to forgive, offering support and validation for whichever path you find yourself on.

In our time together, we confront the heavy burden that unforgiveness can place on our hearts and minds, acknowledging how it may hinder our emotional well-being and relationships. Yet, we also recognize that forgiveness cannot be forced—it must come from a place of readiness and personal choice. I'm here to walk with you as we consider the intricate dance between the desire to let go of pain and the need to honor our own truth in the aftermath of trauma. Tune in for a compassionate and empowering journey toward understanding forgiveness as one of many routes to reclaiming your life.

Articles referenced in the podcast:
Why Forgiveness Isn't Required in Trauma Recovery
5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn't Forgive

Survivor's Declaration

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Chapters

• 0:01 Is Forgiveness Required for Healing?
• 9:24 The Cost of Unforgiveness and Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Are you harboring unforgiveness for those who abused you? Do you feel like you can never, ever forgive them for what they did to and stole from you? If your answer is yes, you are not alone. So the question I have today is is forgiveness required for your healing journey? I know there are strong feelings about this subject, so let's get into it. I'm Michelle Hall, a Christian Life Coach and the host of Broken to Bless, a podcast designed for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse, where the goal is to empower, encourage and inspire women survivors who are on their healing journey to keep on going. Healing is possible. I know that to be true because I am also a survivor and I've done it, and I'm here to help you do the same.

Speaker 1: 0:57

Forgiveness is the release of anger and resentment. I am sure that, just like myself, you have heard people say that forgiveness is for you and not the other person, or you need to forgive to move on. I haven't to agree that forgiveness is for you, but not everyone feels that way or believes that is how forgiveness works. Some people feel like forgiveness lets the offender off the hook for what they did, or it means that they must restore their relationship with the offender. Some feel like forgiveness invalidates their experience. None of these are true, but it is all about what the survivor's mindset is and how they perceive things. There are many benefits to forgiveness for a trauma survivor or anyone for that matter who's been wronged, such as lower blood pressure, improved heart health, less anxiety, stress and hostility, a boost in self-esteem and improved mental health.

Speaker 1: 2:12

When I was preparing for this episode, I came across an article on Psychology Today entitled why Forgiveness Isn't Required in Trauma Recovery. It was written by a trauma psychotherapist and it really piqued my interest, because everything else that I had found talked about the benefits of forgiveness and the steps on how to go about the forgiveness process. So let me read what the key points of the article are. First, forgiveness diminishes harms and wrongs, which can inhibit safety. Forgiveness focuses on the abuser instead of the survivor, and resistance often leads to blaming the survivor, perpetuating shame. Forgiveness encourages silence and can be used as a means to avoid recovery. She goes on to explain each of these points in more detail, which now. She did not say that she is anti-forgiveness. She says that in the article as well. The point that I got from the article is that forgiveness should not be forced or required as a part of trauma recovery, for the reasons listed in the key points of the article.

Speaker 1: 3:33

She then wrote a follow-up article after receiving a lot of feedback on the first article. This one is entitled 5 Reasons why Trauma Survivors Shouldn't Forgive. Basically, if I said what I said was a person, she would be it. She lists these five reasons for why trauma survivors should not forgive. You are not safe. Your relationship needs natural consequences. You need to focus on emotional processing. Your needs take priority. You don't want to forgive. These are reasons that she gave for why a survivor shouldn't forgive. If these things are present, I will link both of these articles in the show notes for your reference. You can take a read if you'd like to.

Speaker 1: 4:29

So that is a different perspective from what you typically hear about forgiveness, especially from the church. Now, I am a Christian and a believer in Jesus Christ and I know that the Bible calls for us to forgive those who trust pass against us. I have seen and heard some Christians insist that you forgive no matter what and without regard to what the to how the offense has hurt you. It can sometimes be compared to borderline bullying. Some folks are so aggressive with it Now I cannot put words in the psychotherapist's mouth, but I think this is what she was alluding to Making forgiveness a requirement can be counterintuitive during the recovery journey.

Speaker 1: 5:18

I believe that to the extent possible, we should forgive those who hurt us. Now that might not be an immediate thing, and some people have, because some people have to process the hurt and pain. Have you ever been hurt so bad inside that it felt like you have been physically stabbed in the heart with a knife? I know that I have. I can tell you that forgiveness was nowhere on my mind at that time. I know that Jesus knows our heart and our pain. I believe that because he lived in a physical body, he knows that it takes some of us longer than others to heal from trauma. Perhaps that is not how it should be, but that is how it often is.

Speaker 1: 6:09

I have interviewed women survivors of CSA who have fully forgiven their offenders and still have relationships with them by choice, because they are family members or someone close to them. I have read stories in my research where women have said that they will never forgive their offenders for what they did to them. I've also talked with women who have severed relationships with parents who either were the abusers or knew that they were being abused and did nothing to stop it. Survivors are on a spectrum from A to Z regarding forgiveness. Their healing journey should focus on what is best for them to get better.

Speaker 1: 6:53

For some, forgiveness comes during the height of their recovery. For others, it comes after they have processed the trauma and are no longer triggered by the offense. For others, it will never come. Some survivors feel empowered for not forgiving their offender. By the way, I tend to agree with the articles that I mentioned earlier, because forgiveness is a decision and I think the key to doing it is readiness. You have to be ready to do it. Some people can forgive sooner than others, and there are some who will never forgive their offenders. That is their choice. God gave us all free will, even in accepting Jesus Christ as our savior.

Speaker 1: 7:41

I am not here to judge anyone for their decision to forgive or not to forgive, nor do I think that it should be forced upon you as part of therapy or counseling. I do believe that the more a person heals from their trauma, the more likely they are willing to forgive. I can honestly say that I have no unforgiveness in my heart at this time. I have done a lot of inner work and have forgiven everyone that caused me hurt and pain, but it was not instant, it was not easy and it was not a one and done. Forgiveness is a decision that you make and you will have to make that decision over and over again before it takes root, because your feelings have to catch up with your decision. What that means is that you can make a decision to genuinely forgive someone, but your feelings are not quite in agreement, and those feelings will surface and make you angry all over again. So you have to decide again. Eventually your feelings catch up and you are no longer angered by the thoughts of the offense. Now something could happen to me or a loved one tomorrow and I may have a completely different story about this forgiveness thing. I'm just keeping it real.

Speaker 1: 9:08

So what is the answer to the question that I posed at the beginning of the show? Is forgiveness required for your healing journey? I would say that depends on the person. But I would like to ask a different question.

Speaker 1: 9:24

If you are harboring unforgiveness for your offender, what, if anything, is it costing you? Are you stressed and suffering from anxiety? Are you depressed? Are you still angry and hurt? Are you having problems in your relationships. Any of these things could be the result of harboring resentment and unforgiveness in your heart for your offender. Maybe you don't have any of these things in your life, but if you do, is the cost that you are paying worth it? Only you can make that decision. I encourage you to take some time to think about forgiveness and the role it is playing in your healing journey, all right until next time. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Broken to Bless. Subscribe to the podcast and share it with all of your sister girlfriends. This podcast may be the catalyst to their healing journey. And remember life can get better. You just have to do the work. God bless.